Missing and Gone: A songfic
by Jessiboo-Choka
Summary: Vanyel considers the place he lost his soulmate- to the utterly apt Everything But the Girl masterpiece. (in my opinion)


Like the Deserts Miss the Rain  
  
A music fic for Jessiboo by Jessiboo  
  
Notes: I do not own Mercades Lackey, but if I did I would sit her down and write more about my favorite characters eeeevah. The song is called "Missing" by Everything But the Girl, and for some reason it just fit with the Magic's Pawn series. I forget where I got the lyrics, but you can find them pretty much anywhere online.  
  
Ok, here goes.  
  
~ Step off the train- I'm walking down that street again. Past your door- but you don't live there anymore. It's years since you've been there.~  
  
have to come here. I can't help it, and my enjoying the time I spend here doesn't make it any easier to stay away. It's a sort of self-torture, visiting year after year, walking places I walked with you, sitting with people who knew you- people who knew us, back when we were an Us.  
  
I thank God that I have Yfandes- I can't imagine going through life, living through life, dying with life every second if I didn't have her. She is my strength, and I wonder where I would be today if not for her.  
  
No- I don't wonder. It's not a secret that she's what keeps me alive.  
  
~And now you've disappeared somewhere- like outer space. You've found some better place.~  
  
Everything I see is familiar. There are new students, but that's nothing surprising and they all seem to know who I am. My friends, my mentor Savil, even the servants seem to be exactly the same- their ageless faces no more remarkable as they ask if there is something that can be done for me- wine, fruit, a bath, more covers.  
  
I say yes to them all- especially the wine and the covers. My bed is very cold.  
  
~And I miss you- like the deserts miss the rain. ~  
  
Being here makes me think of things I'd rather leave in the back of my mind.  
  
Are you in Hell? Why can't I join you?  
  
I'm obsessed and I know it. I fear it. I treasure it.  
  
~And I miss you- like the deserts miss the rain. ~  
  
You're not here, and you're never going to be here. I wish there were something I could do here to make me think of something normal. No one knows that you're at the foremost of my thoughts when I'm here- not Savil, not Yfandes. I think they would be more than worried if they did. But there's nothing to do- doors open for me here, my room is immaculate without my lifting a finger and I have my own personal servant if I would but call upon her.  
  
They think that I've had more than my share of work on the Border. They're right, of course. But I would rather be there than here. It's hard to go insane when you've got to watch out for your life every second you sleep.  
  
They ask to hear stories, the little ones do. What's it like to fight for your life, what's it like to beat the bad guys and save the oppressed. I can understand their curiosity, and something in their blind adoration makes it easier to go to sleep at night. I don't want to be awake anymore.  
  
~Could you be dead? You always were two steps ahead of everyone- I'd walk behind while you would run.~  
  
You were amazing. Your gifts made me want to be with you, want to touch you, want to serve you. I often wonder what things would be like if I'd found my power some other way- learning from you would have been heaven on earth. Something about you made me realize what a child I was- I wanted to be like you, wanted more to be your everything as you were mine.  
  
I was beautiful, then. My hair was untouched by gray and my skin unruined by scar. But mine was a conscious look- I knew it just as well as the girls who followed me that my appearance was the only reason they tolerated my attitude. You would have taken my heart if you were the ugliest man in the world- you are there still, in my mind, and I wonder if anything else is worth my time.  
  
~I look out by your house and I can almost hear you shout down to me- where I always used to be. ~  
  
Your old room has someone else living in it. It makes me a bit angry- but it is irrational. I would be a fool to expect Savil to keep it empty just for my bizarre whims. I hope whoever lives there has some sort of realization of what used to be there. I want to tell them, but I refrain.  
  
Impulses like that will only get you into trouble.  
  
~And I miss you- like the deserts miss the rain.~  
  
I've made it through the day. Just another 363 and I'll have made a year. I don't want to be here, and Yfandes knows. She whispers to me in my mind and I have to smile, at least for her sake. She can't be allowed to hear my thoughts this night, so I gently close her out. She was tired anyway- I doubt she'll take too much notice.  
  
~And I miss you- like the deserts miss the rain.~  
  
I wave my hand, and all the lights in the room go out. It probably would have taken just as much effort to stand up and to it with my own human powers, but I don't feel like it. I hope sleep comes quickly tonight.  
  
~Back on the train I ask "Why did I come again?" Can I confess I've been hanging round your old address.~  
  
Morning brings little light to the estate and I contemplate sleeping the day. But I don't want to concern anyone, and I have things I have to do before I leave this place, this haven.  
  
~The years have proved to offer nothing since you moved. You're all gone- and I can't move on ~  
  
Yfandes is awake when I enter her stall. Not surprising. Few are the times we wake separately. I touch her neck and she nuzzles my chest, which is reassuring in a way that won't ever touch me on more than a superficial level.  
  
~And I miss you. Like the deserts miss the rain. ~  
  
Together we ride through the grounds of the estate- acres and acres of field and forest. I don't want to ride through what used to be a fir grove, but cannot stop myself. It hurts more than it should, and Yfandes is disturbed. For the second time this visit I close her out. I have to do this alone.  
  
I can tell she is hurt. She cannot- and that is good. I allow the feelings to overtake me it's stronger than it has been, feels stronger than it was years ago. My heart is being ripped from inside me and I want to help it.  
  
But I won't, I can't. I want to escape but I have a conscience. I hate myself in these moments, with these thoughts.  
  
~I step off the train. I'm walking down your street again- past your door. I guess you don't live there anymore. It's years since you've been there, and now you've disappeared somewhere- like outer space. You've found some better place. ~  
  
Here is the tower where it happened, the night you left me. You hurt me more than I hurt myself, do you know that? If you were here now I would probably be most upset with you.  
  
I lie to myself. If you were here with me I could die happily. I would throw myself at your feet and be everything to you. I want you to be here instead of me- so I could be the one feeling nothing, dead and with peace. This is selfish of me and I would probably say differently if you were here.  
  
If you were here.  
  
~And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain. ~  
  
I have to see where you were, I have to be where you were, and maybe I'll feel a little bit of whatever made you do it. Yfandes lets me dismount- she trusts me. I don't know if that's wise but I know it will keep me from doing what I've wanted more than anything else since you left me.  
  
The tower is old and in disrepair, which is strangely satisfying. If seems symbolic and that makes me smile without feeling it. I touch the doorknob, which yields to me without opposition.  
  
Nothing opposes me anymore.  
  
~And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain. ~  
  
The steps go on forever but I don't notice it, and I don't mind the steps becoming slick with rain. It is fitting and I believe that I would be angry with the gods if the weather were anything less than tempest.  
  
My clothes cling to me but I don't care. It's cold but I don't care.  
  
~And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain.~  
  
Your Companion was destroyed by the very demons you summoned. Is that cruel irony, or just cruel? If I had told anyone of your plans would any of this have happened?  
  
Why did you do it?  
  
I was standing right there. I saw you do it. I would have been there for you, I would have held you when the world turned against us, until our bodies faded and we left this world. I would have jumped with you. I would have grown old with you.  
  
You killed me that night. Do you realize that? Can you hear me wherever you are? Do you know that I need you this second just as much here as I did the first time we made love? I don't want to wish you ill-fortune, but I won't want to feel this way alone. I want you to be empty as I am empty so that if I ever find you we can fall into each other and find a whole person in ourselves.  
  
~And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain.~  
  
I come here every time I visit the Haven. You fall out of this tower every single time for me, and you never look back. I reach over the balcony and grab hold of empty space. You could be here- you could be falling again and I could save you. You could be jumping again and I would be standing here keeping you next to me so you would look into my face and see me.  
  
So you could see my face and see my heart, and you could turn around and walk down those slick steps holding onto me. I hate you for a thousand reasons and I love you for a million more. I call you every name I can think of- I shout them at the air in front of me and imagine you there.  
  
It does nothing, and for all my shouting releases none of the blackness I feel trying to ravage my soul.  
  
~And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain.~  
  
Nothing matters for me, but I can't be the one who kills Yfandes and the countless others who depend on me. I'm different from you and if I thought it would give me any pleasure I would find your body and scream it forever.  
  
If you were here I could move on.  
  
I don't know if that's true anymore. 


End file.
